Good Eatin’ by Gregg Chamberlain [sci-fi]

Good Eatin’ by Gregg Chamberlain

Hey there, folks! Mad Melford here with another steal of deal. I guarantee there’s lots of good eatin’ waiting here for you.

Now Thanksgiving is just around the corner. And we all know what that means, right? You got it. Turducken!

I dunno ’bout you, but to me, nothin’ says Thanksgiving in America more than a chicken stuffed inside a duck shoved up nice and tight inside of a big ol’ butterball turkey, with everythin’ just swimming in rich gravy inside a hot roasting pan.

But Melford, you say, we’re all as crazy about turducken as the next guy, but even one of them just ain’t enough to feed all the family come to call for Thanksgiving at our house.

I understand, folks, I do indeed, I’ve been there myself, yessir. Well, not to worry, my friends, because we here at Mad Melford’s Maniacal Merchandising—take Interstate 12 to the Wilbanks off-ramp—have got the answer to your problem in just one simple word.


Yessir, we have embraced the miracle of mad science to find the solution to your Thanksgiving holiday menu dilemma. Thanks to the wonders of reverse genetic engineering, plus a little dash of recombinant DNA for good measure, we have the perfect main course for your Thanksgiving meal plan. For a price so low we are practically giving it away, you get a nice free-range chicken nestled inside a plump mallard, slipped inside a corn-fed Butterball turkey, and all that meaty goodness stuffed inside a gen-u-wine prime fresh-from-the-factory dodo. That’s a good 50 pounds at least of all-American birds ready for roasting inside the oven or sticking on a spit for barbecue. And that comes with my personal guarantee, folks, that your dodo is mutation-free. Yessir, not a trace of cellular degeneration or any tainted DNA. I dare you to find a single out-of-place mitochondria in your dodoturducken. Cross-my-heart-swear-to-God double-your-money-back if I’m lyin’.

But if you’ve got a big, and I mean monster-sized, family reunion coming up, or maybe you’re just the friendly sort likes to invite the whole neighborhood over for Thanksgiving barbecue, we here at Mad Melford’s are taking orders in advance right now for our “Big Bird” specials, like dodoturducken-stuffed Australian ostrich. Not enough, you say? Well, how about our exclusive Giant Moa Meal Deal? Just bustin’ out all over with plenty of dodoturducken.

And for the football crowd out there—you know who you are—give us just one week’s advance notice and we will deliver to your door one fully-packed Elephant Bird, crammed full of dodoturducken and ready for the luau pit. I recommend a good chainsaw when it’s time to carve into your aepyornis. Tell you one thing, folks, there will be NO arguments over the drumsticks with this baby.

Remember, folks, that’s Mad Melford’s Maniacal Merchandising, we’re open twenty-four-seven, so get on that phone right now to 1-888-MELFORD. You can also email us at Or just come on down and say hello! We’re at the Mobi Strip Mall in beautiful downtown Escherville. Oh, and bring the kiddies too, ’cause we got lollipops for all of them and a genuine pushmepullyu to ride around on while you browse around, maybe even get your autographed picture taken with our guest celebrity, Morgo the Friendly Grelb.

Remember, folks, that’s Mad Melford’s Maniacal Merchandising. Where mad science is not just the answer to everything, it’s a way of life!

Now stay tuned for Creature Feature Classic Theatre featuring mud-wrestling at its finest in Bride of Frankenstein versus Dracula’s Daughter, back-to-back with Gidget Goes Gaga with Gorgo!


©2017 the author — Published electronically at You may link to or share this post with full and proper attribution; however, the author retains the complete and unrestricted copyright to this work. Commercial use or distribution of any kind is prohibited without the express written permission of the author.

Join the Digital Fiction Pub newsletter for infrequent updates, new release discounts, and more:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *